Dear Mika and Alisha

Dear Mika and Alisha, buah hati mommy,

How are you my babies? I do hope both of you grow into healthy, happy, kind, fine and amazing adults. And most of all I always pray you become sholeh /sholehah and rahmatan lil alamin. Aamiin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

By the time you are reading this, I might or might not still be around anymore. My cancer relapses. It metastases to my bones. There are 7 spots suspected, cervical IV, right scapula, sternum, prosesus spinosus lumbal II, lumbal V, sacrum and right femur. Now I'm having my second chemotherapy cocktails. This time it is a mix of capecitabine and carboplatin. The first chemo back in 2013 was a package of taxol and FAC. What strage names aren’t they? If one if not both of you become oncologist(s) if not scientist(s) in charge of finding the cancer cure (well, that’s another prayer I’m reciting for you ;)), those names will be as familiar to you as ABCs ;).

It was January 2015 when we discovered the disease came back. Mas Mika was 5 year and 3 month old while Adek Alisha was 2 year and 7 month old. Both of you were just too little to understand, so mommy and daddy kept you unaware of the situation. We didn’t want to confuse/scare you with something beyond your beautiful world. We want to keep you growing happy and healthy in the closest normal surrounding possible.

I’m writing this letter to say hello to you, to apology, to let you know how much I love you, my dear Mika and Alisha.

If you vaguely remember that I always seem to refuse to carry you during our life in Balikpapan, that’s not because I don’t want to. Like all of loving parents in the world, I always want to hold you closely so your hearts meet mine. So your hearts’ beatings and mine sing together in harmony. And carrying you is surely one of my favorite activities accordingly.

However, the axillary nodes dissection and mastectomy left my left arm vulnerable to lymphedema. I was cheating here and there though because I couldn’t resist the temptation. Mas Mika and Adek Alisha, you were so very cute little kids back then. But when the cancer recurs and grows in my bones, my right arm is so weak it hurts me even when I’m trying to raise my hand. My backbones are not that strong either. The cancer cells are eating my bones there. That’s why I can’t carry you anymore.

But don’t worry kids, your mommy is a warrior and your daddy is my hero. We are fighting the disease relentlessly and so bravely. I am not afraid of what is going to happen with me, with our family. And daddy is very much on the same board with mommy. Alhamdulillah Allah SWT gives us a strong iman, faith that makes us believe that everybody and everything will be taken care of, that at the end everybody will be just fine.

Sending you love as many as the stars in the sky.

Pasir Ridge, February 16, 2015

Mommy