I got these encouraging words when I had my first chemos in Ochser, Jefferson, Louisiana. The copies were on the sign in desk in the chemo section free for anyone who came there. They are so inspiring I wanna share with you here.
W H A T C A N C E R C A N N O T D O
It cannot cripple Love
It cannot shatter Hope
It cannot corrode Faith
It cannot destroy Peace
It cannot kill Friendship
It cannot suppress Memories
It cannot silence Courage
It cannot invade the Soul
It cannot steal Eternal Life
It cannot conquer the Spirit
- Author Unknown -
Monday, February 23, 2015
Monday, February 16, 2015
Dear Mika and Alisha
Dear Mika and Alisha, buah hati mommy,
How are you my babies? I do hope both of you grow into
healthy, happy, kind, fine and amazing adults. And most of all I always pray
you become sholeh /sholehah and rahmatan lil alamin. Aamiin Ya Rabbal Alamin.
By the time you are reading this, I might or might not still
be around anymore. My cancer relapses. It metastases to my bones. There are 7
spots suspected, cervical IV, right scapula, sternum, prosesus spinosus lumbal
II, lumbal V, sacrum and right femur. Now I'm having my second chemotherapy cocktails. This time it is a mix of capecitabine and carboplatin. The first chemo back in 2013 was a package of taxol and FAC. What strage names aren’t they? If one if
not both of you become oncologist(s) if not scientist(s) in charge of finding
the cancer cure (well, that’s another prayer I’m reciting for you ;)), those
names will be as familiar to you as ABCs ;).
It was January 2015 when we discovered the disease came
back. Mas Mika was 5 year and 3 month old while Adek Alisha was 2 year and 7
month old. Both of you were just too little to understand, so mommy and daddy
kept you unaware of the situation. We didn’t want to confuse/scare you with
something beyond your beautiful world. We want to keep you growing happy and
healthy in the closest normal surrounding possible.
I’m writing this letter to say hello to you, to apology, to
let you know how much I love you, my dear Mika and Alisha.
If you vaguely remember that I always seem to refuse to
carry you during our life in Balikpapan, that’s not because I don’t want to.
Like all of loving parents in the world, I always want to hold you closely so
your hearts meet mine. So your hearts’ beatings and mine sing together in
harmony. And carrying you is surely one of my favorite activities accordingly.
However, the axillary nodes dissection and mastectomy left
my left arm vulnerable to lymphedema. I was cheating here and there though
because I couldn’t resist the temptation. Mas Mika and Adek Alisha, you were so
very cute little kids back then. But when the cancer recurs and grows in my
bones, my right arm is so weak it hurts me even when I’m trying to raise my
hand. My backbones are not that strong either. The cancer cells are eating my
bones there. That’s why I can’t carry you anymore.
But don’t worry kids, your mommy is a warrior and your daddy
is my hero. We are fighting the disease relentlessly and so bravely. I am not
afraid of what is going to happen with me, with our family. And daddy is very much on the same board with mommy. Alhamdulillah Allah
SWT gives us a strong iman, faith that makes us believe that everybody and everything will be taken care of, that at the end everybody will be just fine.
Sending you love as many as the stars in the sky.
Pasir Ridge, February 16, 2015
Mommy
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